My Super Sweet Twentieth Birthday

"Gonna spread my wings (sweet sixteen)
It's my chance to shine (sweet sixteen)
Discovering (sweet sixteen)
There's so much more to life
Sweet sixteen."

As sang by the wise philosopher Hillary Duff, there really is so much more to life once you turn 16 and your parents put a fourth mortgage on your house to pay for a $300,000 birthday party that you end up whining about anyway.

Before I talk about "My Super Sweet 16" I would like to reflect that I hate Hillary Duff. Her voice and her songs are ridiculously annoying, her clothing line is quite originally named "stuff by Duff" (wow...Stuff. Sounds AWESOME), and she dates a "I'm too punk rock for Hollywood...but omg is that Reese Witherspoon?!" musician from a sucky band who wrote a song about the lifestyles of the rich and famous, when he drives around L.A. in a Range Rover. Let's see if the two of you can find something to rhyme with h-y-p-o-c-r-i-s-y.

AND to continue this rant, she looks like crap. She was all cute on "Lizzie McGuire" with her headbands and selected pieces of crimped hair, but she saw how much attention Lindsay Lohan was getting for her weight loss and decided to drop a size, or eight. To add fuel to the fire the peroxide clearly got to her head and she decided veneers would really take the attention away from her sunken-in face and onto her giant horse teeth.

Alright, alright, that's not related to reality TV. The feeling of running out of time has led me to discuss unrelated issues as if I won't see the eight people who read this again. In fact, I'll see them more because in less than one week CLASSES ARE OVER! Oops, I forgot, URI still has a few weeks suckaaaaaaasssssss!

Back to the topic, MTV surprised us with two installations of "My Super Sweet 16" because clearly one isn't enough. The girl in the first episode said "daddy" like 400 times and dyed her poodles pink. PETA will be calling her shortly. Moral of the story: bad people have great lives. When I typed that the first time I said great olives...haha. That's funny. But yeah, the girl wore 3 different dresses (did anyone see how fugly the first one was?!) and then got not one, BUT TWO brand new cars. Cool.

That cool was sarcastic.

Fortunately the little brat was outdone just moments after her episode ended, though, because LA Reid's son was the teenager next in line for a party. A new car was way beneath him. His party was at Jay Z's club in New York, featured A-list celebs like Jermaine Dupri and Diddy AND a surprise performance from Kanye West.

Yeah, I was a little surprised too. Kanye prob said no until Diddy knocked some sense into him. I wish Kanye would perform at my birthday party. Girls, get on that. I'm thinking a surprise 20th bday bash at Barry's Nightclub featuring guest appearances by James Woods, Ray J and Richard Hatch. Make it work.